Workin' Retail
by Disturbed Insomniac
Summary: What happens when the cast of GSD work in a department store?... Anything could happen....R&R PLEASE!
1. Die or Dye?

**Alrighty! this is based on an idea I had when I was at work. (No duh!) I was really bored at work and I had a thought! (Wow! I really got a thought! Those don't come too often!) How would it be like if the cast of Gundam SEED/Destiny worked together in Zellers? In case you didn't know, Zellers is a department store very much like Wal-Mart, a Canadian version of Wal-mart... I guess... **

**NOTE: to my fellow co-workers, I'm not making fun of any of you guys. Would I do such a thing?**

**Workin' Retail - Chapter 1: Dye or Die!**

Stellar was mopping the floor by the goldfish tanks. Well, she wasn't really mopping. She was singing and dancing around with the mop like a merry idiot. The song she was singing matched poorly with the one that played on the radio. She was in her on little world.

She dropped her mop, tipping the bucket of icky water over, and gazed at the fish with excitement in her eyes, ignoring the tipped bucket of filthy water. She poked at the tank, laughing lightly at the sight of the colourful goldfish swimming around. All the colours that fluttered inside the tank mesmerized her. It was like a rainbow beneath the sea.

"Excuse me," said a squeaky voice from behind her. "Hello, miss? Can you hear me? Hello? I would like some service around here."

"Oh I'm so sorry, I dazed out again." Said Stellar as she turned around to face her customer, which happened to be Mia Campbell. Mia wore a pink tube top with a tight leather long sleeved purple jacket, and a pink frilly miniskirt and five inch tall black high heel sandals. Her gray roots showed…. Big time… let's just say the whole top portion of her hair was at it's original gray colour and the rest of it was a washed away pink.

"How may Stellar help you today?" Stellar's eyes glittered with childish exitement as she greeted her customer shyly.

"Do you know where I could find the hair dye ?"

"Die?" asked Stellar in sudden horror.

"Yes, hair dye. I need L'Oreal's 3xp super pink dye. Do you know where it is?"

"DIE?" Stellar was breathing at the pace as a cheetah's running as her face grew more and more panicked.

"Yes! Dye! Are you stupid or something?" Mia was losing more and more patience.

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" yelled Stellar unexpectedly. Mia didn't expect someone with such a soft sweet voice could scream so loud.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Stellar started to run around like a crazy headless chicken. "I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Excuse me! I need to know where the hair dye is!" said Mia angrily as Stellar ran away.

**Don't forget to review! I don't care if it's good or bad, as long as I get reviews! Any suggestion, whether it's about my writing style or the story itself s greatly appreciated! Later! (smiles) **


	2. Athrun vs Shinn at the Jewlery Counter

Wrokin' Retail Chapter 2: Athrun vs. Shinn at the Jewllery Counter 

It was a pretty steady day in Zellers. All the associates worked hard to provide good service, well, tried anyways.

Athrun was walking along the aisles of the store, looking for the perfectest cheapest gift for Cagalli's birthday. He couldn't find any associate around to help him find that perfectest cheap gift.

He finally found an associate that was worth asking. She had long pink cotton candy like hair, and was very perky, perhaps over caffeinated. Her badge read 'Lacus – Floor Service.'

"Excuse me miss," started Athrun, "Do you know where the jewelry counter is?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but I've only been working here for five years, and I'm unfamiliar with where everything is, sorry!" answered Lacus, with no shame of being unable to do her job properly. She continued stocking the shelf as if Athrun didn't exist.

He looked around the store for at least a half an hour before he found the jewelry counter. . "Excuse me, sir... do you know how much this plastic ring is!" asked Athrun to Shinn, who was on the other side of the counter.

"I'm covering a break, do you mind?." said Shinn rudely as he flipped the pages of a teen gossip magazine.

"Well, sorry... but I just want to buy this ring." Said Athrun pointing at the plastic ring inside of the glass showcase.

"For your information, I don't know anything about selling stuff so your just gonna have to wait for whoever I'm covering to buy that ring!"

"But...but---"

"No buts mister! Now step back from the counter before I call the cops!" demanded Shinn with raising rage.

"But...but... why the cops? What did I do?" asked Athrun, starting to panic.

"I said stop harassing me!"

Shinn picked up the phone and dialed 911. Athrun started to wonder if Shinn was as sane as he looked.

"What the hell? Are you serious, Shinn!" Asked Athrun as he jumped 3 feet high from panic.

"How do you know my name, buddy? Are you stalking me?

"No, your name is on your badge." Said Athrun pointing at Shinn's badge.

"You are under arrest for harassing this man!" said a deep voice behind Athrun.

He turned around only to bump into Kisaka (in the police uniform of course) Two smaller officers stood beside Kisaka. Athrun couldn't believe how fast the cops arrived.

"You're under arrest for harassing this man!" repeated Kisaka as he handcuffed Athrun.

"Harassing? I was simply asking for service to buy this ring but THIS GUY WON"T SELL IT TO ME!" yelled Athrun.

"He's simply doing his job." said Kisaka

"I wanna talk to the manager!" demanded Athrun.

"Alrighty then." Shinn picked up his phone and paged the manager. "Cruset to the jewelry counter please, Cruset to the jewelry counter!"

Cruset appeared at the jewelry counter, "What seems to be the problem?" he asked calmly as he popped a pill in his mouth and guzzeled it down with a bottle of windsheild washer.

"They want to arrest me for no reason! I was simply asking for service to buy this plastic ring!" said Athrun in a pleaful tone.

"You have the right to remain silent! Any word you say can and will be used against you!" said Kisaka as he jammed his heel on Athrun's toes.

"Ouch! That really hurts!" squealed Athun in pain.

"I said shut the fuck up!"

"Listen to the cops kiddo, don't break the law if you don't wanna go to jail!" said Cruset, as he licked the windshield washer from his lips, "Take him away!"

Then Kisaka threw Athrun on his shoulder and made his way out of the store. The two other cops followed Kisaka out. Athrun was wiggling around like a gummy worm as he wailed like a nut.

"No! Wait! Don' take me away! All I wanted was a bit of service! Please!"

**Keep reading, keep reading! Come on! **


	3. Popcorn

**Workin' Retail - Chapter 3 – And You Thought Being A Cashier Was Easy?**

It was a rather slow day in the store. There were few customers shopping today since it was very hot out, and all the people with lives were enjoying the warm weather instead of wasting it in the mall.

Bored out of his mind, Nicol played 'Popcorn' with the beeps of his cash register. He bobbed his head up and down like a rock star as he played the cash register like a concert pianist.

"Shut up, dammit! It's not a freaking toy!" yelled Yzak from his cash, annoyed beyond his wits… well the wits he possessed anyways…

Nicol stopped playing as soon as a customer, Mu Laflaga, appeared on the other side of his counter wanting to buy merchandise.

"Hello, how are you today?" asked Nicol in glee, ready to scan the pack of gum Mu slapped onto the counter.

"I'm fine, thank you. But I have a small question to ask." Said Mu in his usual calm spaced out tone. He tore the pack of gum open and pulled out a single stick. "Could I buy this piece of gum, and this piece only?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm in no position to do so. I'm afraid the only way you could get that piece of gum is if you buy the other 13 pieces of the pack."

Mu shook his head slowly. "But I only want this piece of gum, and your badge has 'service excellence' all over it… you call what you're doing right now 'Service excellence?" Mu was still calm.

"Um…. Um…. I would sell you that one piece of gum, but unfortunately, it's impossible…"

"Well, let's make the impossible possible, then."

"But then I'll get fired."

"Ok, suit yourself." Said Mu as he pulled two pennies, a red button, and a tiny ball of lint out of his pocket and placed it onto the counter. He slipped the piece of gum he wanted in his mouth, and chewed in delight as he exited the store.

"Yzak! What should I do? This guy only bought one stick of gum!" said Nicol in panic as he turned toward Yzak, only to notice that he was busy serving a customer.

Yzak was serving Kuzzey Wuzzey, who was buying some toothpaste and tuna.

"Would you like to apply for an HBC credit card and save ten percent off your purchase?" asked Yzak in an annoyed manner.

"No, I don't need o-"

"Apply for one dammit! Apply or I'll shoot you with this!" said Yzak in a rage. He was the top credit pusher, and he never let anyone out of the store without applying for a card.

"But, you only have a scanner, not a gun." Said Kuzzey.

"SHUT UP AND APPLY FOR AN HBC CREDIT CARD DAMMIT!" said Yzak in a sudden rage, grabbing Kuzzey by the collar, pulling him over the counter, pointing the scanner close by Kuzzey's temple.

Kuzzey's eyes grew panicked and teary. "Please don't hurt me sir! Just let me buy my stuff!"

"I won't let you own those things until you APPLY!"

"Yzak! Don't hurt him! He's just a poor innocent customer! Yzak! Stop! Please!" cried Nicol, concerned about Kuzzey's safety.

"Shut the fuck up, Nicol, let me do my job. My job is to get credit card applications, and I will get some by every customer that passes me by!"

"But you're hurting him! We can't give good customer service if we hurt our customers!"

"Shut up Nicol, or else I'll shoot you too!" Yzak let go of Kuzzey's collar, Kuzzey's bottom hit the floor hard. Kuzzey got up, and ran out of the store screaming and crying like a mad man.

"See what you did Yzak? You scared the poor customer away!"

"Well, it's not my fault he didn't want to apply for a damn card!"

"Oh yeah… do you know what I should do with this pack of gum? The guy took only one stick and paid for it with two pennies, a button and lint."

"Well, subtract the difference, pay for the rest yourself, insert the rest of the pack in your mouth and shut up." Said Yzak sarcastically.

"Ok!" Nicol paid then difference, chewed the rest of the gum, not knowing that Yzak was joking.

"Have fun, Nicol, I'm going on my lunch!" said Yzak as he put his closed sign up and left.

**Reviews PLEASE! POR FAVOR! S'IL VOUS PLAIT! KUDASAI!**


	4. What Happens in the Lunchroom

Chapter 4 – What Happens In The Lunch Room Is Supposed To Stay In The Lunch Room…Right? 

"Attention all staff.." started Meyrin on the pager at the service desk.

"Please make sure that the store is clean and tidy…" continued Miriallia

"Because Mr. Gilbert Dullindal will be coming in a few minutes for the big inspection!"

"So make sure everything is running good,"

"And have a nice day!" they both ended on the pager and hung up the phone.

Yzak was in the lunch room enjoying his lunch. "Meh, stupid inspections…" he mumbled as he took a sip of his Slim Fast drink. A pair of feet running up the stairs interrupted his peaceful break.

"Yzak! Yzak! Thank God you're here! I really need your help!" cried Nicol as he reached the entrance of the lunch room. Nicol's face, hair and entire uniform was covered in the gum he had previously chewed.

"Nicol! You really chewed all that gum at once? I was just joking! Damn! You're gullible!" said Yzak laughing hysterically.

"Stop laughing! It's not funny, Yzak!" cried Nicol in embarrassment.

"All right. I guess I can help you." Yzak lead Nicol to the washroom. While Nicol followed Yzak, he tripped and fell, knocking down the little coffee table, and everything that was on it. That included the phone.

What Yzak and Nicol didn't know was that the pager button was pressed as it crashed on the floor, allowing every single customer, associate and big boss Dullindal to hear everything they said.

"Ah I'm stuck! Get me out!"

"Stop squirming around like that!"

"It hurts! It hurts! Don't pull so hard!"

"There that wasn't so bad. Now take off your clothes."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Of course! No need to worry! I do this all the time!"

"Ah! It won't come off!"

"Then rub harder!"

"But it still won't come off!"

"Watch it, Nicol! You're making a mess all over the place! Here, let me do it!"

"Ow! Not so hard!"

"Sorry. Let's try this. Peanut butter always does the trick. It won't hurt."

"Are you sure this time?"

"As always. Just shut up and do as I say, for crying out loud!"

"Oh no!"

"Watch it, you klutz! You're making an even bigger mess!" …

Creuset's sulked slightly as he heard what went on in the lunchroom. The look on big boss Dullindal's face wasn't very impressed. "I see…" said Dully as he stared don at Creuset with calm angry eyes.

"I'll go check what's going on in there, sir!" said Creuset in embarrassment. "Hey Cagalli! Take my place while I'm checking on this problem!"

"What do you want me to do?" asked Cagalli unenthusiastically.

"Just talk to Mister Dully over here until I come back!" Creuset then quickly rushed to the lunchroom.

Creuset froze as he saw what was in front of him. Soap, water and peanut butter covered every chair, table and wall, and was spread all over the floor. Both Yzak and Nicol were all covered from head to toe in soap and peanut butter.

Creuset picked the phone up from the floor, flipped the table back in place and hung up the phone, so that no other customers, associates and big boss Dully could hear no longer.

"What is going on in here? Don't you know the big boss is here for the inspection!" said Creuset in panic. Both boys hesitated. "Come on! I want an explanation today!"

After several seconds of akward silence, Yzak spoke up.

"It all started when I was calmly enjoying my break. My calm relaxation soon disappeared when Nicol over there came up the stairs screaming for help. He had gum stuck all over his face, hair and clothes. I was leading him to the washroom to help him clean up when he tripped and fell on the floor. The gum kept him stuck on the floor, so I had to literally tear him from the floor.

Then he took off his uniform, we went to the sinks to wash it up. We ended up spilling soap and water all over the place. We got most of it cleaned off, but we couldn't get it off his hair. Then I remembered what my mom did when I got gum stuck in my hair when I was a kid. She put peanut butter in it and the gum came out like magic.

So, Nicol got some peanut butter and put it all over his hair, and then he knocked the jar over, and it lead to this mess sir!"

"Okay. I understand, but that's not what it sounded like on the pager!" said Creuset in a half yell, half whisper.

"WHAT!" yelled Yzak in shock.

"You mean every one heard?" asked Nicol shyly.

"Yes, kiddo. Everyone heard."

"Everything?" asked Yzak in embarassment

"Yes… they heard everything…." Said Creuset in shame.


	5. Change

**Disclaimer: I do not own Depends or any other brand of diapers for adults. **

**Workin' Retail – Chapter 5 – Change**

"Attention all staff!" started Creuset at the daily meeting. "As of right now, no associate is allowed to go or a pee in the washrooms!"

"Why not? You want us to pee in our pants?" asked Shinn in his usual grumpy manner.

"If you can't hold in your pee, you can't keep your job. It's as easy as that!" said Creuset as he put a hand on his hip.

"This fucking sucks! I quit!" growled Shinn as he slammed his badge on the floor and left the building.

** Later on during the day**

Luna and Rey stood at their cashes. Luna was doodling on a notepad. Rey was sqwirming around and doing the 'pipi' dance.

"Luna, I can't hold it in anymore!" said Rey out of his usual calmness. He needed to go so bad that his blue eyes were squirting salty tears like a fountain.

"Then pee your pants. It can't be helped." Said Luna, still doodling.

"But I don't wanna lose my job! I have all my other clones at home to support!"

"Well, at your next break, get some Depends. That's what I did."

"When's my next break?" asked Rey, ready to burst.

Luna looked at her watch and looked at Rey with an evil grin. "Three hours!"

"But I need to go now! It's dead in the store anyways, I don't even know why I can't go!"

"Ok, here, you can have one of my Depends." Said Luna as she passed Rey one of her disposable underwear/diapers. It floated down onto Rey's counter like a parachute. He ducked down behind his counter and put them on under his pants. When he stood up, his face showed sudden relief.

"Now it's time to page our boss for change." Said Luna as she grabbed her phone.

"Why now? I don't need change now, my cash is full."

"And so are our diapers. That's why we need to call him for 'change'"

"Oooooooooo……." Said Rey in amazement as Luna's idea finally clicked in his head. Rey grabbed his phone and paged:

"Creuset to the registers for change please!" Creuset came to their cashes ready to give them the change they usually asked for.

"No, we don't need change as in money, what we need is you to change our diapers!" said Luna as she pointed at her boss.

"WHAT! Why you little shit! Why are you making me do this?"

"Because if we can't go to the bathroom, we have no other place to go, and since you changed the rules, you have to adapt to this too!"

Crueset bit his tongue, soon regretting his 'great' idea that led him to changing his staff.


	6. Insanity Test

**This chapter is based on a traumatic weekend.**

**Workin' Retail – Chapter 6 – Insanity Test**

Whats more annoying than a boring long draggy 9 hour shift while there are barely any customers around? A boring long draggy 9 hour shift while there are barely any customers with a 85 year old country singer that thinks he can sing that is playing his music really really loud to sell his 'music' to the public, right next to your register.

Poor Yzak, Flay and Nicol were stuck working on cash right nest to the country 'star,' which called himself 'Boxcar Willie.' He sang along nasally to his own songs, making it twice as hard for the eardrums to handle. His singing sounded like a depressed cow in labour.

"I found my love, again, in a train…" 

"Damn!**** I wish that guy would shut up!" complained Yzak, losing his mind.

"Keep your guns at home, never take them to town…" 

"What?" asked Flay loudly as she tried to decipher his words that were drowned by the lousy country singer.

"I went on the gospel train, to find Jesus…. Choo! Choo! Woo hoo!" 

"I said that I wish this son of a bitch would shut the fuck up!" Repeated Yzak, losing another fuse.

"_**He didn't know that we lost our baby.."**_

"What? I can't hear you! This guy has his shit on too loud!" said Flay, still trying to hear the words that escaped his angry lips.

"And it smelled like someone frying chicken, then I remembered what I forgot…" 

" Nevermind!" Yelled Yzak at the top of his lungs finally losing all patience with Flay and the 'country star.'

"Momma hit my head and it hurt…" 

"What?" Asked Flay louder, not hearing a thing Yzak yelled.

"I don't care if tomorrow never comes…" 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" yelled Nicol, in a high pitch. "I can't take it anymore! Make it stop! Make it stop!" he was now bashing his head on the buttons of his cash register, sending them flying all over the place. He grabbed a plastic hanger from his trash bin, broke it in half, climbed over his counter, and approached Boxcar Bastard.

"You call this music? What the hell are you smoking? This is NOT music. First of all, your guitar and your other instruments are completely off key, and second of all, your singing is three and a half semitones flat according to the music in the background!"

Nicol's eye was twitching and he was slobbering like a fox with rabies.

"Die you poor excuse of a man! DIE!"

"_**I was in a trai--"**_

Nicol jabbed the sharp halves of his broken hanger into the sides of Boxcar Willie's neck, piecing right thought the other side. He sliced his head off; it was a clean cut too. (not bad for plastic hangers…)

He then kicked his head over several feet, grabbed the biggest speaker, slammed it onto s head, squishing his skull, brain, and eyes like a bug under a runner's shoe.

"DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!"

Nicol then shoved the wiggling body with blood pissing out of where his head once was onto the ground, flipped the table over onto the body, stomped on it over and over, threw the equipment, the rest of the speakers onto the table, grabbed all the cd's that Boxcar Bastard was selling, and broke them in pieces with his own teeth. The wires of the equipment eventually caught on fire.

"MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" Nicol kept yelling over and over, even though the music was all gone.

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Flay, grossed out at the sight of blood everywhere.

"Code white to the entrance!" paged Yzak. (code white means to get emergency immediately.) He also called an ambulance. The emergency workers of the store, Murue and Talia, shot Nicol with tranquilizer guns to calm him down until the ambulance came to take him away to the place with padded walls. The ambulance finally came and took him away. Nicol was still twitching a lot, in spite of the 20 shots of tranquilizer stuff the emergency staff used.


	7. What a Mess

**Workin' Retail – Chapter 7 – How To Drop Your Customer Count… Drastically**

Kira and Cagalli were setting up the patio displays in the seasonal department.

"Screwdriver." Said Cagalli as she reached out her arm.

"Screwdriver." Said Kira as he passed it to her.

"Nut"

"Nut"

"Saw."

"Saw"

"Sledgehammer."

"Cagalli, why do you need a sledgehammer?"

"Because this nail won't go in with a normal hammer. Now pass me the damn sledge hammer!" said Cagalli as she punched her brother in the arm.

"Ow! Don't punch so hard!" cried Kira.

"That was nothing. Want me to punch harder next time?" said Cagalli rising her fist mockingly.

"No! Please! Don't hurt me!"

"Come on, Kira, be a man for once! Be productive and put that swing set together!"

"Ok!" Kira quickly ran to the pile of poles and chains and started to put it together.

"I'm all done, Cagalli! Take a look!" said Kira in less than 15 minutes proud of his assembly skills. Cagalli's jaw dropped as she looked at what was supposed to be the swing set.

"What the hell is that!" said Cagalli as she pointed at the mess Kira put together.

"Duh! It's the swig set you asked me to assemble!"

"That looks nothing like the diagram in the instruction manual! That's why you never let a woman do a man's job!" yelled Cagalli as she charged him with the sledgehammer.

"But you're a girl!"

"And you act like one, Kira!" she swung the sledgehammer towards Kira's brown haired head in burning rage. Kira quickly ducked and covered his head with his hands and squealed like a little girl.

Cagalli, obviously missing her target, hit a bar that as sticking out of the 'swing set' with every ounce of strength she bared, and it fell apart. Into lots and lots of pieces.

"My beautiful masterpiece!" cried Kira as he watched the pile of rubble h put together crash down on the floor. Some pieces of the disassembled swing set landed on the patio set, which fell apart as well, and those pieces knocked over the nearby 8 feet tall shelf that held all the dog food an pet supplies.

"My patio set! Kira, you…" Cagalli started to beat the shit out of her crybaby brother.

"Ouch! Cagalli stop it! Look at the shelves!" cried Kira looking at the domino effect in front of them made up of 8 foot tall shelves. The shelves crashed down on each other, brining the next one onto the ground.

Customers were sandwiched and crunched in between this domino effect. The sharp metal shelving severed several panicked customers in many pieces. Body parts and merchandise flew all over the place from every direction. Kira started to cry in as he saw the bloody mess in front of his eyes. Cagalli laughed I delight at the sight of shelves crashing and customers getting decapitated.

"No! The poor innocent lives!" Cried Kira as he his eyes behind his trembling hands.

"Ha! Damn right! This is better than any horror movie!" Said Cagalli munching on the popcorn she kept in her pocket.


End file.
